We survived another weekend of decorating and prop-making. I had an idea for a prop to be sitting in my bed during the Halloween party, and I should have made it myself, because I suck just enough at painting that it would have looked comical. But alas, Mitch did the painting and now the children won't sleep if they know it's even in the house (except Jack, who muttered, "it looks totally fake". Because he's too cool for school). So, now it's in a giant trashbag in the garage. What is it? I can't say, it's a surprise. But I'll take pictures if the kids let me get it out on Halloween.

Henry lost another tooth last night, so now he's ready for Halloween because he looks just like a jack o'lantern. Tomorrow, he is getting FIVE teeth pulled to make way for orthodontics, so it's going to be mush for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm terrified of this visit, considering he barfed all over the office the last time we were there. This time I'll be ready, though, with barf bags (which we now call gallon size ziplocs, no matter what we use them for "honey, could you put the leftover sauce in a barf bag and stick it in the freezer?") and extra clothes. And cash. Maybe I can bribe him not to barf.

Also, at school, things aren't getting much better for Henry. He got a score of 1 out of 7 on a paper, despite having all the answers right, because of his crappy penmanship. I talked to the teacher about it, because I'm a micro-manager buttinski. She said the assignment WAS the penmanship, but he's in effing first grade! So, I'm trying not to coddle him and we're spending a lot of time working on penmanship at home.

The girls are continuing their obsession with Wonder Woman. You can hear Grace singing all over the house, "WONDER WOMAN, ALL THE BEAUTY YOU O-ZESS. IN YOUR SATIN TAHHHHTS, FAHHHTIN' FOR YOUR RAHHHHTS!" Believe it or not, this is a vast improvement over her previous favorite song, "They tried to make me go to rehab, but ah said, 'NO, NO, NO'!" Since there are about three minutes in an entire day when she's not talking or singing, her song selection has become important to me.

*giggle*

*GIGGLE*

*GIGGLE!*

"Wha?" I open one eye and see that the first number on my clock is a 5.

"Grace, what are you doing out of bed?"

"(giggling still), Mommy, it's so funny. You're going to laugh."

"Yes, Grace, what is it?"

"(giggling so hard now she can barely get the words out) I was dreaming that I was peeing, and I peed the bed. It's everywhere. You've gotta come see, mommy! You're really going to laugh!"

It has been Henry's dream to have a Bouncey House for a few years now. I looked into the cost of renting one for his birthday party, and it's more than half the cost of buying one, so I put Henry on the Pester Dad Until He Caves trail. Yesterday morning Henry was itching to approach Mitch about it, but I said, "No, Dad is going to Seattle today for his annual review at work, today is not a good day."

This morning, Henry woke up and asked me how the review went (very well).

"Well, between that, and maybe Dad feels sorry for me because I hate school AND I got bit by a kid this week, I think now is the time to go upstairs and ask him, mom."

Not sure what he said to Mitch, but GUESS! WHAT! WE! ARE! GETTING! A! BOUNCY! HOUSE!!!!!!!!

At this news, Grace burst into tears, "I want (sob) my own (sob) bouncy (sob) house (wail)!"

After I slapped her silly she calmed down, I told the girls to get dressed for preschool. They were too lazy, and asked me to bring their clothes downstairs. I refused, for reasons that will soon become clear. They swore up and down that they would wear whatever I picked, as long as they weren't matching each other. I made them promise. Then, I spent several minutes picking out two separate outfits, but both with equally cool components. This is not an easy task, but I thought I did a pretty good job. Then, I threw the outfits down the stairs, yelling, "I'm getting in the shower, get dressed, girls!" I could hear wails and screams through the steaming water. I took my time getting ready, because the screaming had stopped. Came downstairs, saw the outfits I had picked strewn about the tv room and the girls were wearing different outfits alltogether, happily playing Barbies. This is my life.

Also, I did get to the bottom of the whole biting thing (even though I had to involve the principal), just to let you know I'm not completely lame and don't care if my kid develops rabies.

When I picked Henry up from the bus today, he seemed almost chipper.

"Wow, Henry, you seem like you had a good day today," I say, hopefully, because we haven't had one yet.

"Yeah, today was a good day. I got bit by a kid and I still have a mark, and it's still burning!" Not a note of sarcasm in his voice, so I'm perplexed.

"How does that make it a good day?"

"Well, it's something different, isn't it?"

First Grade, you are killing me.

Well, I'm back and came home to a clean house and a well-balanced meal waiting for me. And the laundry had been done! No one went to the ER this time, either. And the dog had been bathed. What did I do to deserve such awesomeness? Oh, well, Mitch did have a few glasses of wine and decided to hot glue spiderwebs all over the freshly painted walls, just low enough to get tangled in them if you have any volume in your hair (Mitch thought it was perfect, but of course he doesn't have any, uh, "volume" in his hair). But other than that!

How was my weekend? Well, it's against the code to talk about it, but here are a few pictures of our beauty. A few years ago, I complained that we were always given the furthest cabin away, and Jack commented that it must have been to "shield our beauty from undeserving eyes". You can judge for yourself exactly how beautiful we were....

I'm packed and ready to hit the road for my demure weekend of, uh, reading classic novels and deepening my spirituality (there are gods of wine, no?) , but I thought I'd post a few pics of the past week. Here, my three youngest are "helping" their father clean leaves off the sports court by throwing his neat piles of leaves over the wheelbarrow.
Henrietta, our 6 year old daughter. This is precisely the reason Jack no longer wants to be mentioned on the blog. What? I'm sure all the sixth grade girls would love to see Jack in a wig.

Blurry, but finally finished! Soon to be the treehouse of horrors for our Halloween party...
Looks good in the outfit, and soon will learn to kick the ball instead of wiggle what few teeth he has left.
This is what the girls plan to be doing all weekend while mom is away (except with a lot more clutter on the floor).

Wednesday already! We had friends Leanne and Jameson from Spokane visiting us for the past few days, which was fun--my girls can never get enough attention. Soccer season is pretty much consuming our family time lately. Henry loves the outfit, the equipment, the snacks, the kids, and the coaches. The actual playing of soccer? Not so much. It's not that he doesn't like it, it's just hard for him to grab onto a competetive strand of thought in his head to actually want to play against other kids. He'd rather just ask them if they wanna be his friend. Also, he is very busy wiggling all his loose teeth during the games. He's trying to make some money from the tooth fairy. He will be getting his wish on October 10 when five (!) of his pearly white baby teeth will be extracted to make room for orthodontic hardware. Ka-Ching!

We Netflixed the Wonder Woman TV series from the 70s for Olivia, and the girls have become obsessed with Wonder Woman and her wristbands of steel. Grace, whose attention span for watching television usually runs to about 10 minutes, can sit glued to the set for hours at a time. This is, in fact, why I am blogging right now. I'm headed out this weekend for some girl time with my sisters and friends, so I'm trying to get all the laundry done. I've learned not to cook meals in advance, since they don't get eaten. A sample "mom's away" dinner: fish sticks AND hot dogs. And nothing else. Yum. And they'll probably watch inappropriate TV. Or Wonder Woman, which appeals to everyone but Henry. Jack likes the cheesiness of it--he thinks it's hilarious. Mitch likes it for, um, the invisible plane.

Thursday night was Henry's school curriculum night and ice cream social. At the boys' old school, I would say the turn-out to these things was about 25%, and that's being generous. I'm ashamed to admit that although we've lived here nearly a year, this was the first school function that we've gone too. When we walked into the gym for the ice cream social, it looked like the whole town had come out, and it was an even bigger shock to realize we actually knew a good portion of these people. I also discovered that Henry's tales of first-grade woe are largely for my benefit, as the teacher assured me he was one of the happiest, funniest kids in the class, and after volunteering in the classroom, he does seem well-adjusted, so hopefully his perception of first grade will catch up with the reality.

The rest of the week has been a blur of soccer practices, school, and soccer games, so I don't really have anything to report. Henry was extremely disappointed that his team jersey wasn't sponsored by Shisel Construction, like one of the other teams. "I wish I had Shizzle on my jersey!" Speaking of shizzle, Olivia is calling me to the bathroom, and that's never a good sign...

Henry was bedraggled at breakfast today.

"What's wrong, Henry?" I ask.

"I'm tired of first grade. I can't wait for college so I can sleep in late and play video games all day."

Nora, Peter, Gray? I think you need to set him straight.

No wonder I never got out of my pjs last year. I'm too effing busy to get dressed now that school/sports has started. My big idea was to clean out all the closets when the boys started school, so I just began throwing things into them randomly with the thought that they were going to get good and organized soon. Well, today Grace got buried in an avalanche when she opened Henry's closet and I can no longer find anything in my closet. You wouldn't be able to even close any of them but for Henry, who methodically goes from room to room at night making sure every closet door is closed--wouldn't want any monsters to get out. Jack refuses to let him close his closet door, because "I love monsters to sneak into the house at night, Henry." You can imagine how well that goes over.

I was going to write more, but the girls keep bugging me for food. I keep telling them I'm on my break, but the little stinkers only care about themselves. Over and out.

So, I won't be writing much about Jack anymore. He doesn't want the three people that read this blog to know about his giant forehead zit (oops!), so let's just assume he's like Ozzy Osbourne's oldest daughter, Amy (see! you didn't even know he had another kid!). Also, he kicked butt at his soccer game on Saturday. Okay, I'm done.

Henry seems to be adjusting to the rigors of first grade. He's made some friends (using his trademark, "Hey, wanna be my friend?" approach), and he's less stressed out about keeping up with the second graders in his class. He's playing soccer, and when one of the coaches said, "That's the way, Henry, you're a smart guy!" another parent said, "he's smart in more ways than one!" so he seems to be making a name for himself. God help me.

Preschool is proving to be a challenge for both me and the girls. There's some pretty rough boys in the class, and I'm finding it impossible to "reason" with them in a politically correct, co-op manner. I would prefer to deal with them in other ways, but there's the law and stuff that get in my way. Both girls are intimidated by these boys because they're much bigger and pretty mean, so the girls are still pretty shy in a group setting. Also, as an aside, one of the kids has a grandma who works in the class and she's only a few years older than me, so there's that. Grace has made a friend and they've become inseparable, and I was alarmed at first, but it's turned out to be a wonderful thing for Olivia. She's a loner at heart, and now that Grace has partnered up with someone else, Olivia is free to sit where she wants and play blocks and trains with the boys. I still worry, of course, about Olivia making friends, but she seems supremely contented to be with her favorite person besides Daddy--herself.

Horrors! I arrived home on Friday to find 10 giant boxes waiting on the porch for me. Somebody I may or may not be married to ordered a buttload of Halloween props and decorations. It was like Christmas for the kids going through the gruesome treasures that lie inside. A few things had to be relegated to the garage, but Olivia (my resident scaredy-cat) was surprisingly approving of most of the stuff. The worst part was that both of the girls' costumes arrived way too big, so they had to be sent back. Plus, they reeked of chemicals. No worries, though, because yesterday we went down to Seattle for Lucy's birthday party, which was fun! They had a bouncey house! Anyway, on the way home we went to one of those Halloween superstores and both girls picked new costumes. Olivia stopped dead in her tracks when she spied the Wonderwoman costume. She's never seen/heard of Wonderwoman, but she knew she had to have that costume. I Netflixed it for her when we got home. Grace picked an enormous rennaissance princess crushed velvet-hoop skirt thing which she is actually wearing as I type this. Jack picked a mullet wig, which helped offset the cost of Grace's costume, and Henry is going to join the thousands of other boys this Halloween as Jack Sparrow. Since it's Mitch's 40th birthday this Halloween, I told him he could pick out my costume (I had veto power, of course--like I want my muffin top spilling out of a sexy french maid's costume....), and quelle suprise, I'm going to be a rennaissance bar wench. Whatever.

In Seattle at the beginning of soccer season, we would get our detailed schedules well in advance of the first practice, along with uniforms and a zillion forms to fill out. Yesterday I got a phone call:

"Hi, this is Soandso, and I'm Jack's coach this season. The first practice is in a few hours, and our first game is in two days. I'll need him at the game about 15 minutes early, because it looks like we're getting our uniforms before the season is over this year!"

And today:

"Hi, this is Coach Whatername, and I'm Henry's coach. Our first practice is tonight, so we'll see you there!"

Ah, Coupeville, you're such a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal.

Mitch took the day off today, and I mentioned that I was thinking about taking the girls to Costco (a four-hour prospect) while the boys were at school. He was so excited, he handed me his car keys so I could drive in comfort and have dvds for the girls. I don't know what he did at home while the house was empty, and frankly, I don't really want to know. But he's been very happy since our return. Probably porn and beer, but the treehouse got nearly finished, too, so who am I to complain?

Also, Happy Birthday Mom!

First grade seems to be kicking Henry's ass. There's actual work involved, and it's all day instead of half-day, and because it's a 1st-2nd grade split, the work is even harder. Today he came home trudging up the driveway with a tale of woe about how he chewed his pencil tip off ("accidentally, I swear, mom!"), and the teacher didn't see him raising his hand to get a new one, so he got really behind on his math assignment, and he was crying but trying to hide it from the other kids. He was so upset because he thought he might miss recess, and recess is what school is all about for Henry (luckily, he didn't miss it). Also, he is discovering that hot lunch sucks, and he had really been looking forward to it, so it's back to cold lunch from home for him.

In a stroke of excellent timing, I had just been baking chocolate chip cookies, so he was right as rain as soon as he got out of his pants and into some cookies (uh, yeah, he only wears underwear when he's in the house, but that's a blog post for another time). Jack helped him with his homework in a rare understanding big-brother moment while I hit the sauce.

First real day of preschool. All the parents stayed today and were sitting at the circle with the kids while they sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider". Grace raised her hand after the song was over.

"Miss Tami?"

"Yes, Grace?"

"We had a big spider in our bathroom. Daddy smashed it. Then, he put it in the toilet. Then, he peed on it and flushed it down!"

Mitch now refuses to step foot inside the preschool again.

Speaking of pee, this morning at breakfast, Henry ran outside and shot an arc off the porch. It turns out he's too scared of the creepy picture in the bathroom and hasn't stepped foot in there for the past week. We've started collecting creepy pictures for Halloween decorations and I guess I put them up too early.

Overheard at soccer tryouts today:

Random kid, to Henry: "Jeez! I can hear my mom yelling all the way over here!"

Henry: "That's nothing. If my mom was in a band she wouldn't even need a microphone."

The first week of school is over and everyone is still upstairs asleep, trying to recover. It was all Henry could do to make it up the hill when he got off the bus last week, so tired was he of the rigors of first grade. He made several friends this week, Henry-style, of course? "Wanna be my friend?" And voila, he has a new friend. He hasn't asked their names yet.

Jack seems to be adjusting to middle school really well. He's pretty animated when he gets home in the afternoons, and he seems resigned to my school year rule of very minimal screen time. He's got his hands full with Seamus in the afternoons, anyway. The poor dog whines at the window all afternoon until Jack gets home.

Last night was the Middle School back-to-school night. We met the teachers and toured the classrooms. At the back of Jack's "lifeskills" classroom was a board with personal info about all the kids. One of the questions was "What's your life's ambition?" I'm reading past all the answers--doctors, professional athletes, dancers, writers, etc.--and I find Jack's answer:

"Staying out of jail."

Waking up to an alarm clock this morning instead of a couple or three sweet smelling little bodies and a steaming cup of coffee next to my bed basically sucked. I was halfway done with my shower before Mitch brought my coffeebitchmoanbitchmoan. It's the first day of school, and Jack picked Mitch to drive, er, I mean, drop him off at school. I mean, a block away from school. Because I cry on the first day and he didn't want anyone to get a glimpse of that. Whatever. Henry was quite happy to have me walk him into his classroom, help him put his supplies away, and give him a big hug and kiss. It was so easy, I was halfway home before I realized I made it through the day without crying once (not counting when I was in the shower and started thinking about next year when the girls start kindergarten, but I hadn't had any coffee yet, and so was still in a dream state). I guess I'm getting to be a Big Girl now. Henry only had a half-day, so after I picked him up, I decided to do a "drive-by" at the Middle School to see if I could spy anything. As I slowly cruised the parking lot, I passed another mom I knew doing the same thing. We pointed at each other and laughed.

Our weekend was so relaxed, I'm kind of exhausted today from too much resting. Some punk kids smashed in our mailbox with a baseball bat. This is the third time it's been smashed, including the Fourth of July Firecrackers. Mitch went and bought a heavy duty guaranteed-to-break-your-arm mailbox. We'll see if it holds against this country hooligans. I guess I should be grateful we don't have any cows to tip. Speaking of hicks, my kids have stopped playing 'Slug Bug' because there really aren't any VW Bugs on the island. Since they love punching each other, they've switched the game to 'Slug Propane Tank' instead. Not quite the same ring to it, but they get a lot more action this way. Another game they've invented is very clever. They all hide with a dog treat, and Seamus runs all over the house looking for them. When he finds them, they give him the treat. It's brilliant, and it means I don't have to go looking for them.

Five days until school starts. Really, I'm not counting down or anything. It's going to be boring around here with Henry in school all day. He was put into a 1st-2nd grade split, and there are only 6 other first graders, but he's psyched. The teacher said she heard he was "smart", and a "leader", but I think she mis-heard his kindergarten teacher, who probably said "smart-ass ", and "ring-leader". But, hey, I'll take what I can get.

Jack got his Middle School class schedule in the mail yesterday, and it's making me a little sad. He's in Big Boy school now. I'm not sure how I'm going to get his ass on the bus by 7 in the morning, since he typically wakes up around 11. I noticed on his schedule that he has band. "What instrument are you playing, and am I supposed to rent it or can you rent it from the school?" I ask. "I forget what I signed up for." Marvelous. Today is haircut day, and when I told Jack he had to get up at 10am so we could get there on time, he said, "why don't you ever get my input on these things?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jack, do you want to get a haircut tomorrow?"

"No."

"Too bad, but I appreciate your input, now do you want to set your alarm or shall I wake you?"

There are fallen leaves all over the basketball court and I just purchased 16 glue sticks, many boxes of Kleenex, looseleaf paper (wide-ruled), and a bunch of other stuff that may or may not show up in the bottom of their backpacks, unused, at the end of the school year. Sigh. Summer's over. We just took the leaf out of our dining table and realized this is the first weekend we don't have guests or aren't going anywhere since June. When I mentioned this to the kids, Henry shouted, "YESSSSS!!! Can we got to the RV Show?"

Today we have a kid from Henry's class over. This is the kid who's house Henry went to last week where Henry had a terrible time because the kid didn't have any Legos or action figures and he kept trying to get Henry to hide in the closet with him. He's over because we set it up a long time ago. Anyway, the little boy is perfectly nice and polite, but he only wants to play with the girls' dollhouses and Barbies, and Henry set out all his coolest toys this morning. So, it's been tricky. They were having snack a few minutes ago, and Henry was telling the kid about how he (Henry) barfs a lot. The kid said, "Barfing is gross. I wouldn't want to be you."

Henry replied, "Well, if I were you, I'd want to be me."

It's going to be a long day.

This is an old story, it just keeps repeating itself. Yesterday the boys had to have molds of their teeth taken at the orthodontist. I had a long talk with Henry about relaxing, deep breaths, etc. I didn't give him a gallon ziploc.

"Mrs. Henrysmom, could we see you in Henry's examining room for a moment?"

"Dang it!" I said under my breath, only it wasn't really "dang it". I walked back there, and there was Henry, covered in vomit from head-to-shoes (which somehow were also leaking barf). I didn't have a stitch of extra clothes for him, the only thing I could find in the car was a pink flowered sweater of the girls' and a towel. I stripped him and covered him in the towel, because he still had to do the molds. I held a bowl while he continued to barf while the molds were in his mouth. And also? The smell? Soo not good. Why didn't I let him stop, you ask? Because I had just written a BIG ASS CHECK to these people, and by golly, I was going to get my money's worth. Also, I knew if we came back another day, the same thing would happen. Well, we successfully (?) took the molds and Henry came out to the waiting room wearing nothing but a towel and a pink sweater while we waited for Jack's turn. Meanwhile, Olivia is dancing around in her gold glitter shoes, leaving little gold sparkles everywhere. When Jack came out, he looked a little green.

"Mom, they put me in Henry's room. Next time I'm going first."

We left in a cloud of vomit fumes and gold glitter. Want to invite us to a party?

It was so peaceful at our house this weekend it was actually boring. The house stayed clean, and the girls played endless girl games without being antagonized. Nonetheless, we three females were quite happy with the return of chaos last night. The boys marvelled at the clean house and the fact that we'd actually baked chocolate chip cookies and there were still a lot left. After being scrubbed at length, they still smell faintly of wood smoke, but beyond that, they seemed to have had a great time backpacking and camping. They met up with Mitch's brother, Michael, and his son, Oliver. I asked Henry how it went.

"I didn't brush my teeth for three days! And Oliver isn't allowed say 'fart' or 'butt'."

Wow. If Henry wasn't allowed to say 'fart' or 'butt', I'm not sure if he'd be able to communicate anymore.

On Friday, Mitch took the boys on another backpacking trip to make up for their less-than-pleasant previous one. So that means I get to hear about Henry's need for an RV for the next week or so. Our kids are split right down the middle about the joys of "roughing" it. Henry and Grace like a nice, comfy bed, down pillow, and down comforter. While Henry has been known to sleep on the floor, Grace would rather eat a shit sandwich or a vegetable than to leave her bed. Jack and Olivia are nature lovers like their dad (um, I don't know where Henry and Grace get there delicate tendencies from). One of their favorite games is to play "Crash the Bikes into the Blackberry Brambles or Each Other". The three oldest and their friends love this game, and because I'm a good mom, I let them, but if someone cries, they have to stop. This teaches them to suck it up. Did I mention I'm a good mom? Anyway, Miss Grace doesn't go anywhere near the carnage when they're playing, preferring to go into the flower garden and pick "TEENY! TINY! FLOWERS!" So, I guess she likes nature, just not when it comes to where she sleeps.

The girls and I went to Seattle to drop Dylan off and do a little shopping. It's getting pretty fun to shop with them. They even like when I shop for myself, and they love giving me their opinions, although Olivia enjoys telling me when things make my butt look big. She found some screaming gold glitter shoes that she fell in love with, and she's been wearing them ever since, and clutching them in her bed when she sleeps. Grace didn't think they were comfortable, and was happy enough with her Teeny! Tiny! Build-A-Bear! We spent too long shopping and hit the ferry line at 3:30. On a Friday. We were in line for two hours, but the girls were soooo good. When we got home, I discovered that Mitch had left the refrigerator slightly ajar, and the motor shut off. I couldn't get it back on, and I was freaking out because we still haven't gotten a second refrigerator. There's, like, one guy in the Teeny! Tiny! Phonebook! of Whidbey Island that does appliance repair, and it was Friday night, my husband was gone 'til Sunday, so it wasn't looking too good. I did some research on the internet, dried something with my hairdryer, kicked it Fonzie-style, and by morning it was working again. Yay for me!

I haven't really slept the past two nights thanks to the damn dog. All night long he paces between Jack's bed and Mitch's side of the bed, whining for them and farting. So now I'm tired and grouchy and I can't wait until my stinky boys return today.

Today we went to see the Reptile Man (http://reptileman.com/home.html) . It was pretty cool. Here's Olivia petting a tortoise. Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera out to take a picture of the alligator. Peeing on Henry. Henry had really wanted to sit in the front row, so we got there early. Alligator pee stinks. As soon as they started bringing in all the snakes and lizards, Olivia headed for the back, but the guy was really good and by the time it was over, she wasn't afraid of touching anything. Grace was oblivious to most of it because her boyfriend Daniel was there and she was too busy mooning at him. Jack asked the Reptile Man if it would be okay if he picked up some of our local little snakes and not only did he say it was okay, he told Jack the best way to do it. Big jerk.

Jack's friend Dylan is up for the week. We were off to a great start when we happened upon a HoneyBucket accident on the highway on the way home from the ferry pickup. The honeybuckets had fallen off the truck. They hadn't been emptied. Henry declared it to be a very good omen, because you just aren't lucky enough to see smashed honeybuckets with shit and piss splattered accross the highway everyday.

The boys have started a game which pretty much occupies every moment they are awake and not playing Guitar Hero. It's "Who Would Win in a Fight?" They come up with two similar characters/people and discuss the merits of, well, who would win in a fight. Like Batman and Superman, Lindsay or Britney, Man Versus Wild or Survivorman, Olivia or pretty much anyone else. It was cracking me up yesterday in the car, until they began to tread on dangerous territory. The first category was Jack's dog or Dylan's dog. Jack wanted to defend his dog, but realized that Seamus is a pussy at heart, and so conceded to Dylan. When the subject of which of their dads would kick the other's ass, there was an uncomfortable silence, followed by furious defense of their respective dads. Henry added his two cents, "well, Dad is kind of a gimp, and Dylan's dad is pretty old" (sorry, Greg). I called an end to the game and suggested they don't make it personal anymore. The great thing about boys is, if they hid a sticky spot, they just kind of get over it really fast. With s'mores especially. 'Cuz here in the country, we have s'mores on Tuesday nights. Or Thursdays. Or if we're wearing lace-up shoes or slip-ons.

As of yesterday, Mitch and I have been married 12 years. Our babysitter cancelled on us at the last minute, so we had the added joy of our children's company for dinner. We spent most of the day taking turns playing Guitar Hero on Jack's Playstation with Nora and Pete, who were visiting. Now that was a great way to express our love and commitment to each other. I 'booed' Mitch when it looked like he would score higher than me. Or, I'd send Grace in front of the screen to show us some of her dance moves. I also took pictures of his bald spot in back to try and make him lose his concentration. I am such a great wife. It's funny, but nobody every says to Mitch, "You are so lucky to have her!", the way they always tell me how lucky I am to be married to him. We spent the rest of the evening drinking ridiculously priced wine (given to us as a gift, I might add) and I couldn't stop myself from calculating what I could have bought with each $10 sip. We ended the night with an argument, for, after 12 years of marriage (not to mention knowing each other for 23 years), my beloved husband still likes to drop bombshells right before I go to sleep, like this:

"Honey, I think our next house should be almost a tear-down fixer-upper so we won't have a house payment." Because spending the last eight years remodeling our last dump just wasn't enough for him. The fact that we're still married after that last house just goes to show that HE IS THE LUCKY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We went to the Island County Fair yesterday. Mitch took the day off so we could go when the crowds were at a minimum. Because? Have you met my husband? Not a big fan of crowds. Or people in general. Anyway, it was very cute and very small. We made the kids go through all the animal and craft barns with us before we shelled out for ride tickets. Here, the youngest three are admiring some soft, downy chicks. Awwwww. Henry was a big fan of the chicken barn and the dog barn. Grace liked the (surprise!) "Cute! Baby! Goats!" and the "Cute! Baby! Chicks!" and also the "Cute! Baby! Alpacas!" Olivia was all about the horses, and Jack was all about the eye rolling.
Lovin' the kiddie rides.
Henry convinced me that he was brave enough for the Octopus, the Worst Ride Ever Created. Here he is before it got going. Shortly after this photo was taken, Henry's head disappeared as he slipped below the seat in terror. I'm trying to get the carnie to stop the ride, but am being ignored. Jack is laughing, nice brother that he is. Finally, when the ride ended, Henry wobbled down the steps to me and burst into tears. Nothing an elephant ear wouldn't fix, though.
Those teeth go really well with the farm exhibits...

Okay, those potatoes were obnoxiously big.

Today was Jack's 11 year-old well child exam. Once upon a time a girl, who had minor scoliosis as an adolescent, fell in love with a boy, who had major scoliosis as an adolescent, and and they had a boy who had an overbite. And scoliosis. Luckily, they don't rack kids these days the way they used to (for those of you that aren't married to medieval geeks, this is when you're laid out on a board and stretched--how William Wallace, aka Braveheart, was killed), so we're going to try some swimming exercises and wait and see. Hey Deenie won't you come out tonight (obscure Judy Blume reference that only my sisters will probably get).....

Oh, and also Henry went to a new friend's house to play while we were at the doc. I picked him up and he had the Sad Clown Oil Painting Face. As we were driving away, I asked him if he had a good time and he said the kid "didn't have ANY action figures or Legos and he's never seen any Star Wars movies, and he thought it was fun to go hide in his closet, so do you think I had a very good time, mom?"

Grace: "Mommy, Henry just farted in my face!"

Me: "What can you say to Henry about that?"

long pause.

Grace (to Henry): "SUCK UP, YOU GAS ANT!"

Now, "Suck up, you gas ant!" is the phrase du jour around here.

Wow! Look at those potatoes. We grew them. I'm totally excited, because the only thing I've ever been able to grow is herbs, and only the hardy ones like rosemary, mint, and sage. This year we've got a vegetable garden with all kinds of things growing in it, including cilantro, which has always eluded me. We're even growing a water lily, as you can see, in our pond. The boys take turns watering the garden and Grace is my little harvester. She loves to pick stuff: "OHMYGOSH! LOOK AT THIS CUTE BABY POTATO! OHMYGOSH! LOOK AT THIS CUTE BABY CARROT! OHMYGOSH! LOOK AT THIS CUTE BABY RADISH!" Olivia has no interest in gardening, she just pedals around the sports court on her trike in her rainboots. She does eat the stuff, though. Grace will only eat the cute stuff. We're so country now. We might need to get some chickens and overalls.

Today we went to a lagoon on the north end of the island. The boys both agreed that the slide in the background was the funnest they'd been on, but the saltwater in the mouth made it yucky.
Saltwater didn't seem to bother these bathing beauties.
A Dr. Pepper icee-pop makes one thoughtful.
Words elude me for this caption.

After we spent a few hours playing in the lagoon, I took Henry through the adjoining RV park. The reason I did this is that every day, Henry spends a lot of energy and effort trying to convince Mitch and me that we NEED an RV. He'll probably die if we don't buy one. He goes on the internet and browses layout options and he knows about all the different classes (I didn't even know there were different classes, but there you go). We're not RV 'people'. Anyway, this RV park was about the worst I'd ever seen. Right next to the highway, and about 10 feet between each RV. Sardine city. No trees, either. "So, Henry, lots of times, this is what it looks like when you take an RV on vacation." Henry was pretty quiet the rest of the way home. When Mitch pulled up to the house, Henry ran out and said, "Dad, I don't want an RV anymore! Can we get a speedboat?"

The only thing cuter than a baby's first teeth is a six year-old's first gap (cue the banjos from 'Deliverance').

Even my four year-olds are good at cracking crab legs. (Thanks, Gary!)

Yesterday was the Coupeville Arts Festival. Because if there's one thing this town likes, it's a festival. I worked our co-op preschool's booth, which was a "Creation Station" where you have mounds of craft supplies and you can make anything you want. My kids loved it, and the fact that I was working the booth meant they could take as long as they wanted to make all kinds of, um, beautiful crafts and crap. Jack has his buddy Hunter up, and they were free to roam the town by themselves. At one point I got hungry and Mitch was nowhere to be found, but I spotted Jack and had him go get me some food. Of course I didn't have any cash on me, so he offered to pay for it, but he wanted to charge me a dollar for the service in addition to paying him back. You can imagine how well that went over after I told him he owed me $563,326.00 for bringing him all his meals for the past 11 years. I did pay Mr. Tightwad back for the food, because I could see he was about to pop a vein with worry for his dwindling wad of cash.

Then we went swimming and Mitch took Jack and Hunter to the movies while I went home with the other three and got to hear some more about their Halloween costumes. Some idiot company sent us a costume catalogue, and now Halloween fever has hit full force. In August. They got so excited that they started making snowflakes out of coffee filters, because everyone knows what's after Halloween, dammit! So far, Olivia wants to be a Dark Angel (kind of like a zombie angel) and Grace wants to be some kind of creepy mummy girl with spiders in her wig. I'm surprisingly sad that the Princess Days are over. I'm not even going to say what Henry wants to be, because it changes by the minute. In fact, he usually changes his costume three times while trick-or-treating.

Today I did a lot of laundry. Jack came in my room this morning covered in dried barf. "I didn't want to wake you up, mom, so I just slept in it." My kids have very sensitive stomachs, and if they eat too much junk food, they tend to vomit. Jack had popcorn, lemonade, and lots of candy at the movies (on top of tons of crab--yum). Mitch even reminded Jack to take a bowl to bed with him, but of course, he forgot. I love the story about the time my sisters took Jack and Henry swimming and snacking at their hotel and both boys barfed all over everyone's toothbrushes.

Today our beloved friend Gray came up for a visit. We took him on the usual tour: Fort Casey, the beach, the ice cream shop. Seamus was excited to have someone new in the house, and he barrelled down the hallway, knocking Henry into the wall to get to Gray.

Henry: "JEEZ, SEAMUS, YOU SONOFABITCH!"

Me: "HENRY!!!!! What did you just say?"

Henry: "What, it's true! You're the one who told me a girl dog is called a bitch, mom."

I absolutely think he's been just biding his time with that curse, waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it.

We took Hannah to the airport yesterday, a week early, but she was homesick. It was just me and all the kids, and we had to go through all the security. I got a lot of sympathetic looks and comments from people thinking I was travelling alone with five kids. We were way too early, so there was a lot of waiting around at the gate. One woman came and sat down by us and commented at how unbelievably well-behaved my children were. If she'd sat down five minutes earlier, she would have seen Grace putting on an interpretive-dance performance, followed by an explosive fart, inducing Olivia to crawl accross the floor on hands and knees and sniff Grace's butt. That's how we roll. We're klassy.

Joel Mchale, from E!'s The Soup, was also waiting for the plane with his family. They were sitting right next to us, but I didn't say anything, because I'm much cooler than that. Unlike my husband, who was so starstruck when the guy who played Frodo in The Lord of the Rings was in line with him at the airport, that he forgot how old Jack was when he got the guy to give him an autograph, "um, it's for my son, yeah. He's 9! I mean, 10! What? Oh, his name is Mitch, I mean Jack."

When we got home, I looked at my big pile of ripe peaches and baked a giant pie. Mitch brought home some vanilla ice cream, and we just decided to have pie and ice cream for dinner. I guess we should have had vegetables for dessert, but we just had more pie.

The backpackers came home on Saturday, and Henry had a great time (despite getting his first bee sting). Jack said it was pretty fun, but he didn't get to explore on his own (bears), so "that sucked". Hannah is having a pretty hard time with homesickness. Plus, she saw a big snake and stepped in Jack's barf while hiking. We're trying to figure out how to make the next week go quicker for her. Mitch gave a terse, "no comment" on how the trip went, so I'm going to say that it was, at best, memorable.

Yesterday, we went and saw the tall ships docked at the red wharf. The Lady Washington was there. It was one of the ships used in the filming of the Pirates of the Carribbean. The Captain said we weren't allowed to lick the deck where Johnny and Orlando stood. Like I, um, even would! Later, Mitch set up the archery range so we took turns firing arrows over the target and into the pile of stinging nettles behind it.

Our dishwasher has a little leak, so somehow that translates into us needing a new dishwasher, and we might as well get stainless steel, and if we get stainless steel, we have to replace the range, refrigerator, and microwave, and if we do that, we can't keep these crappy laminate countertops, we'd better get granite, so, sorry kids, I guess you will be keeping crooked teeth. As you can see, negotiations are still in the works. Six bucks for a new line to the dishwasher or $10,000 to spruce up the kitchen. "Which will more than pay for itself when we sell, blah, blah, blah."

Okay, now I'm sick of the quiet around here. The girls are doing their best at keeping the noise level up, but it's not working for me. I need to hear noise in all areas of the house to feel complete, I guess. I did just hear from the backpackers. They are on their way home. Cell service wasn't very good, but apparently one kid got stung by a bee, one kid barfed in the middle of the night, and one kid cried for a long time. Sounds like they had a blast!

So we're in Macy's, and we've gone through a few departments. The girls were giggling and having a blast with each other, but I wasn't really paying attention to what they were doing. They weren't knocking things over or hiding under the clothes, and they were in the corner of my eye, but apparently I'm a neglectful mother, because an elderly woman pointed out what my lovely spawn had been doing while I shopped ->

Oh, yes, and not just pulling the pants off this mannequin, but as I looked around, they had pulled the pants off of nine others in Macy's. Because they're my kids. And because I forgot to say, before we went into the store, "Girls, you are not allowed to pull the pants off of mannequins when we're in the store today." Stupid me!

Marci sent me this pic from vacation. Grandma D., Gracie, Mackenzie, Olivia, and Grandpa, right after we got giant ice cream cones. Grace got vanilla in a cup so she wouldn't stain her dress. Such a practical girl. Speaking of dresses, they're yelling at me by the door. Time to shop!

Mitch took Hannah, Jack, and Henry off to the wilds, so it's just the twins and me at home. I can hear myself think. The girls are watching a sweet little animal movie where nobody gets vaporized or finds out the Dark Lord is really their father, and it's just so peaceful. I can even hear the birds outside! I cleaned the house, so on top of the peaceful quiet, it's sparkling clean, AND I have plenty of wine. Don't get me wrong, of course I love having the big kids around, but, hey, it's summer, and they're LOUD, man, with no break. Tomorrow the girls and I are going "SHOPPING!!! FOR NEW SCHOOL CLOTHES!!!" We put away all their too-little clothes today and it left me in a bit of a depressed funk. I hate proof that they're just that much closer to leaving me one day (um, but don't think I want you to live in my house after you hit adulthood, kids. I love ya and all, but I, um, really want you to be independent! Yeah, and you'll be a better person if you can take care of yourself and crap)!

We've started taking Seamus to the dog beach, and he LOVES it. The cute thing about it is, he's great with other dogs, but if another dog gets within 10 feet of Henry or the girls, he goes all Cujo on the dog. I guess he thinks Jack can fend for himself, because he doesn't care if Jack pets the other dogs at all. Seamus also behaves this way to me if I'm trying to beat the kids. Haha. Just sort-of kidding....Although once, I was playing with the kids and they were screaming and I reached my hand out to swat the adorable badonkadonk of Olivia and the damn dog bit me in the swatting hand. It's too bad I can't train him to check Olivia's butt for poop smears.

We went to the Science Center today while Mitch had a meeting downtown in Seattle. I tried to get the giant dinosaur skeleton in the background, but my camera sucks. When we went into the room with the huge animatronic dinosaurs, I heard a blood-curdling scream which seemed to be coming from the depths of Olivia's soul. She dove into my arms and buried her eyes, and from then on we weren't allowed to go through the "live" dino room again.
Kind of blurry, but their favorite thing was virtual soccer. Here's Hannah kicking some butt.
Jack and a Madagascar cockroach and an unidentified admirer.

Jack was the only one brave enough to ride the bike 30 feet in the air. Crikey! Everyone seemed to have a good day (despite Olivia being nearly eaten by a t-rex). Went to Jack's favorite restaurant for some delicious Chinese food after, then back to the ferry and home.

Cousins. They smell right.

Hannah is fitting in pretty well here, apart from her willingness to do chores, that is. She cheerfully does things without being asked, which is a completely foreign concept to my children. I feel bad that our day's offerings are to, a.) go to the beach and get ice cream, b.) get ice cream and go to the beach, or c.) hang out at home. She seems to be settling into our boring routine, though, although she did absolutely jump at the chance to go buck some bales of hay with Mitch and Jack, who are building an archery range somewhere on the property.

Today's big project was to go through the kids' drawers and see what doesn't fit anymore for fall. The boys are so easy. A few new pairs of jeans and sweatshirts, and that's it. "Do we have to go with you, or can you just order them on the internet?" they whined. The girls tried on all their long sleeved dresses and leggings and jeans, and NOTHING freaking fit anymore. Sigh, I said. "It looks like you're going to need all new clothes for fall."

"WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they screamed, jumping up and down and high-fiving each other.

The minute Mitch walked in the door tonight, Grace said, "Daddy! We're going to need your credit card! We need all new clothes!"

They were still talking about what they were going to buy while they were taking a bath.

Olivia: "I want a dress with a horsie on it, and pants with a horsie, and a shirt with a horsie. Or Hello Kitty."

Grace: "I want a light pink dress with a jeweled neckline, with a butterfly dripping magic down the front onto a garden growing rainbow flowers." Of course she does. Who wouldn't want that?

Not Exactly What I had in Mind

Jack: Oh, yeah, mom, thanks for that "What Every Sixth Grader Should Know" book you put on my bed.

Kate: Good! Is there anything interesting in it?

Jack: Oh, I haven't opened it yet. I was saving it so I could copy it when I get assignments next year.

Also, yesterday we ran into Jack's favorite teacher (since his beloved first grade teacher, Mrs. Rice), Mr. L. at the world's slowest pharmacy. Mr. L told Jack and I that he really hoped Jack could get more motivated at school next year, because he didn't want him to not like school. "Uh, you're too late for that, Mr. L." sez Jack. Charming.

Mitch and the boys picked Hannah, his neice, up from the airport yesterday. She'll be spending the next two weeks with us. They went to the Rainforest Cafe and to the Simpson's movie (I would like to say that this was not a mom-sanctioned activity. Henry's never been allowed to watch the Simpsons. But, Henry is Bart Simpson, you say? DOH!) Anyway, they got home and Henry had the look on his face that he'd just discovered the holy grail.

"That was the best, funniest, movie I've ever seen mom!"

"But, Henry wasn't there a lot of bad words and potty humor?"

"Yeah, but it was nothing like I hear at home from you, mom."

Grace is sitting at the kitchen counter, hammering some playdoh with a toy hammer. tap tap tap tap tap tap

"Mommy, there's someone at the door!" she says.

"Um, no Grace, that's your hammer."

"Huh?"

We walked onto the ferry to Port Townsend yesterday. It was a beautiful day, marred by the fact that Mitch's client called and Mitch spent the whole ride accross the straights calling people and cursing them out. So, that was fun. The kids got to see a new side of Daddy. Mean, Project Manager Daddy. Comes complete with a pulsating vein in his forehead. What's that? Oh, yes, he IS on vacation.

Anyhow, we walked around the little town and had lunch at a fifties-style diner, where they had ginormous ice cream sundaes. Henry ordered the biggest one they had and would have eaten every bite if we hadn't made him stop when he turned green and went cross-eyed. However, nobody barfed, which, for our family, is awesome! There was a time when Henry wasn't allowed to have ice cream out in public at all. It was all tied in with his asthma. Ice cream would freeze his little air pipes and he would always vomit if he ate it. Too much information? I got so good at catching it, I could be driving down the freeway, hear that little catch in his throat, grab a bucket from under the seat and catch the barf with one hand, without breaking my speed. That's how awesome I am.

Fort Casey and dresses that stayed surprisingly white for the whole ding-dang day.
Olivia returns from her triumphant turn at peeing in the great outdoors. A little did go on her pants, which she told Aunt Kimmy after she had been sitting on her shoulders for about 15 minutes.
That special cousin looooove.
Look at all our hangnails! As usual, on this hike I was yelling at Mitch for taking the kids on dangerous trails that were too close to steep cliffs. I was so concerned for their well-being and so busy bitching Mitch out, that I didn't pay attention to what I was doing and slipped down the cliff myself. He stopped short of saying our family motto: "INSTANT KARMA!"
These kids don't look like they're up to no good, do they?

-

So, our annual 'Kate's family' vacation was this week. After our big move and Mitch's terrible car accident, the thought of leaving my little cocoon for a week wasn't all that appealing, so my family was good enough to do Whidbey this year. Lots of good food and wine, and major cousin love. It's like when dogs sniff each other's butts with cousins. One sniff, and you know whether they're any good for the rest of your life. However, when Henry and Anthony realized they wouldn't be seeing each other again for a long time yesterday, many tears poured. Henry brought out the old Emmett Kelly face for the rest of the day. "This is a SUCKY family vacation," he cried. Half the family left Wednesday, and we spent yesterday with Marci, Mackenzie, Grandpa and Grandma D watching the sailboat races and hiking on the beach, followed by dinner out (yay! no dishes!--I have an aversion to paper plates). Marci was kind enough to take ALL my friggin' kids overnight at her cottage, and what did Mitch and I do while we had the house to ourselves for the first time since, um, 1996? I went to sleep at 9:30 and he finished reading the Harry Potter book, because as I've said before, we really know how to party. Jack also finished the book, so now we can talk about how we would have written it better (actually, I'm the only one that does that, but that epilogue was sooo cheesy!).

So today, we were all pretty wiped out, but Mitch is really enjoying the fact that he has a bin full of folded underwear courtesy of Nana. He's never worn underwear that had been folded before. Don't get used to it mister, I don't get paid enough as it is. But! I did get a new totally cute leather Coach purse while shopping with my sisters. Yay! I would post a picture of it, but I don't want anyone to feel bad that they don't have such an awesome purse. I was raised better than that. Sheesh.

The Harry Potter Reading Room

So, Mitch did run out on Saturday and get me my own copy of the book. Not because he loves me, but because I kept following him around the house, saying, "I wonder if the mailman is here yet." And things like that. Jack was appalled at the waste of money of buying two copies of the same book, but when I said it was either that, or I got to read the book first, he shut up. Like it's even his money. I finished it Saturday night, but here are Scott, Jack, and Mitch all reading it on day one of our family vacation. Because we know how to party.

As you can see from the new header, it's all about Harry Potter, at least for the next few days while the two HP geeks in the family read our books. We're such geeks that we reread the sixth book so we'll BE! READY! OKAY!

I love having my mom here. I've had to go to Seattle the past few days for doctor's appts., and I come home to made beds, clean, folded laundry, and happy kids. Moms rule! But don't load my dishwasher, old lady (um, just kidding mom! haha.).

After I got home from Seattle today, Nana and I took the kids to the pool. The girls happily frolicked in the kiddie pool with Nana, Anthony and Jack fooled around in the big pool, and Henry decided to play a little joke on the lifeguard. Let me start this story by saying Henry is a pretty good swimmer. He's passed four levels and can easily swim the length of the pool a few times. But, here is what he did. Jumped off the high dive and started slapping the water with a terrorized look on his face like he was drowning. I rolled my eyes and yelled for him to get his butt to the side of the pool, but before I had the sentence out, whistles were blowing the the lifeguard was diving into the water to save his life. She kicked him out of the deep end and then brought out the giant swinging ball so the kids could swing out to the middle of the pool and drop. Then, she paid him back by making him swim two lengths of the pool before he could do it, too. I told her I thought he should be banned for the whole day, but she fell for his doe-eyed, "I really forgot how to swim for a minute" routine. Of course she didn't see the little Henry smirk behind her back. Dang kid.

11 years old! On Monday, Jack's birthday, I took Jack, Anthony, and Henry to see the new Harry Potter movie. It got three thumbs up from the boys. Jack and I are currently ironing out the reading schedule for the new HP book which comes out on Saturday. I should just buy two copies. I probably will, because that dang Jack is going to HOG the book. Anthony walked in on Jack, who was lying in bed reading yesterday, and said, "Are you in trouble?"
Grace finally consented to go to the beauty shop and get her mullet fixed. Just mommy and Grace, so that was part of the draw, I think. Afterwards, we all went to the library for story time and one of Grace's preschool boyfriends was there. She sidled right up to him and kissed him and rubbed his back. Oy. And here is the new and improved mullet-free Grace!:

The only way to travel. Wireless headphones, a dvd, and sleepinig twins.
A gaggle of 10 and 11 year-old boys sleeping on Kim's couch after they got home from camp.
Gracie fell asleep in her cool cousin Scott's arms.

So, our long weekend in Spokane is over. It was. Um. Fine. Friday night was my 20 year hs reunion. Poor Mitch spent the whole time being berated by an ex while her sociopathic son stood by. Sam and I flitted about, but were very happy to be done with the whole thing by the time we left. Ick. About 3 am I woke up with a migraine so bad I had to go to the frigging ER for narcotics and they tried to teach me a lesson by not giving me narcotics, so, when 3 hours passed and I was climbing the walls and they finally DID give me narcotics, the headache was so bad I still haven't gotten rid of it. Also, I told them the only place they would get a vein, but since they know my veins better than me, especially when they're shrunken from a migraine, they poked me six times and now I look like I have green and purple giant poka dots all over my arms. YOU SUCK, DEACONESS DOCTOR AND NURSES!!!!!! Mitch spent the rest of the weekend mucking out stuff from his mom's house as she gets ready to sell the place she's lived for over 40 years. So basically his weekend was TOTALLY AWESOME, MAN!

Jack came home from camp covered in mosquito bites and stories of mud fights, animal poop fights, and climbing on the girls' bathroom in their boxers and throwing water balloons at the girls. This time, with all the mud and poop slinging, he actually used all his clothes. The. Smell. Not. Good. We brought Nana, cousin Anthony, and Hunter home from Spokane with us (yep, that's 9 people plus a dog), but Mitch's car is so freaking huge that we were all pretty comfortable. And thank you, Jesus, for the drop down dvd player.

Mitch and his brother spent their childhood collecting comic books, and ended up accumulating several large boxes full of them up in their mom's attic. Every time we visited, my boys would positively drool over them. Finally, the last time we were there, we brought them home, where Mitch promptly stashed them out of the boys' reach, only to remove one at a time and then carefully slide it back into it's protective covering after the boys caught a glimpse of it from across the room. I kid! Sort of.

Today we're headed to Eastern Washington for my 20th 10th high school reunion, and so Mitch can help his mom get ready to sell her house. Last night at the table, Mitch was melancholy about his last visit to the home he grew up in. Henry piped up: "Don't worry, Dad, at least we got the comic books out!"

So I called Mitch over to the computer. "Look at this picture of Henry!" He walks over and says, "Jesus, those teeth are going to be expensive." Only 39 1/2 and he's already turned into a grumpy old fart.

It's. So. Hot. And did I mention it's hot? It's like, 95 degrees or something, and humid. I could go on and on about the heat as I sit on my porch shellin' peas. Olivia, like me, is a complainer and a whiner when she's uncomfortable. Her ice cream cone broke and you would have thought the dog shit in her ear the way she carried on. Henry was only too happy to finish her drippy cone for her while she went storming up to her room. SLAM! went the door. Grace daintily finished every last lick of her cone. Mitch and I were alternating our ice cream with sips of wine. Almost a wine float, actually. Yum! I'll have to try that tomorrow. With champagne. MMMMmm.

It's 87 degrees and this is how Henry is running around today. Two layers of long-sleeved costumes and a paper bag over his head. He'd asked me what the next holiday was, because at our house it's all about celebrations. When he found out the only holiday he cares about next is Halloween, he was tearing through his costume box. I hope 3 1/2 months will be enough time to get his costume together.

Later, when the kids were playing in the freezing kiddie pool, Henry stood up, looked in his swim trunks, and exclaimed, "I SHRUNK!"

I'm grumpy from the heat and I've played seventeen games of "Go Fish". My little trick when I want some alone time is to say, "Okay, kids, let's see how quickly we can clean up the hou....." and they've disappeared, *poof* it's mommy magic! I can usually get a good 20 minutes to myself this way. I'm missing Jack sorely. I miss his sense of humor, for there was no one to laugh with when Henry was so alarmed at his shrinkage. I'm sure he's having a blast at camp and enjoying not having any chores. Only 53 days until mommy goes to camp. Not that I'm counting or anything.

At the Farmer's Market today, I picked up nectarines, plums, and apricots and put them in a bowl on the kitchen counter. Tonight, as I was walking through the kitchen, I noticed a paper towel on the counter with 5 (!) pits from these various fruits on it, and they were completely sucked clean. Olivia rounded the corner right then with plum juice dripping down her chin. Yay that I'm going to be in Seattle all day tomorrow! (Mitch, the flush wipes are under the downstairs bathroom sink).

In 48 hours Jack will be on the road to camp with his buddy, Hunter. Yesterday I got out his suitcase and started taking inventory of what we might need to buy. I had him trying on shorts and swimsuits from last year. Although he's gotten taller, his waist, if anything, is smaller. He was really getting exhasperated with my intrusion into his room and making him try stuff on. "Jeez, mom, it's not like I'm going to wear any of that stuff, anyway." It's true, he always comes home with a suitcase full of clean clothes.

"Do you want me to pack you any pajamas?"

"No, I'll just sleep in what I'm wearing that day."

"How many pairs of underwear do you think you'll need?"

"One," he deadpanned, signalling that it was time for me to be done assaulting his cool factor.

Monday night was terrible. The jets started flying at 10pm and didn't stop until 2am. The "sound of freedom" as they call it, turned into the sound of cursing. I'd never heard them at night before. However, Tuesday was a beautiful morning and the kids and I had a little list of errands and doctor's appointments up in Oak Harbor. We had to get some bubble wands, glue, and fish food, so, yes, we went to Walmart. Where someone made the cruelest comment I've ever received. We were in the checkout line and the girl behind the register said to the twins, "Are you girls having a good time with your Nana today?" Stunned silence by the five of us. Yes, by Walmart's standards I could be a grandmother at 38, but I was momentarily paralized by mortification. Jack was sweet all the way out to the car, "Mom, you were carded at Safeway just a few days ago when you were buying wine! You look really young, mom!" Bless his heart. Henry thought it was hilarious, and the girls were all, "Nana's not even coming for a few weeks, why is mommy turning green?" I was so upset I didn't even want to put it on my blog, but Mitch said, "of course you have to put that on your blog. You put every embarrassing detail of our lives on there. If you don't, I'm going to start a blog of my own and call it 'Kate'sShame.com'."

Next stop, the orthodontist. Once upon a time, a girl with an underbite fell in love with a boy with an overbite and they got married. They foolishly thought their children would have perfect bites because their dental defects would surely cancel each other out. The orthodontist looked in Jack's mouth and when he looked up at me, I saw happy little dollar signs in his pupils. Overbite! Then, he looked in Henry's mouth, and I saw a second home in Hawaii reflected in his pupils. Underbite! Years of orthodontics! Yay for us! I broke it to the kids on the way out that we would not be going to Disneyland this winter after all. They were very, very sweet about it, so I took them out for lunch where Jack ate two burgers, a shake, and two curly fries. Eat me out of house and home with those terrible teeth of yours, mister.

On to Jack's doctor appointment. He had seven warts frozen off, and the poor kid was stoic--not a tear shed, which is lucky because I had my hands full with Grace crying every time the doc put the sizzling liquid nitrogen on Jack's skin. Again, Henry was quite thrilled to witness the horror. On the way home, Mitch called from the 2-hour long ferry line to get the orthodontic report, so between the traffic, our impending financial disaster, and 3 hours' sleep, he was a wee bit grumpy when he got home. Still, the kids had been so good all day that he agreed to take them to the fireworks.

They do small-town fireworks here on the night before the Fourth of July, and I must say it's a fantastic idea. It's 7:20am right now and everyone is still upstairs sawing logs. The kids loved the fireworks, and they all stayed awake but Grace, who gave up just before it was over. There was music and food and all kinds of kid stuff. I felt like I was in a movie about a small town in which dancing isn't allowed, but a city kid comes in and starts his own dance and sets the town on fire with his awesome tunes and dancing. But I digress. Also, we've decided to change Henry's name to Kramer, for his gift of falling ass-backwards into a pile of money without working for it. Some nice woman in front of us gave Kramer $3.00 to watch her blanket while she went and got some food. Jack was indignant, but since he was too busy looking too cool to be under a blanket, he missed his opportunity. About five minutes after the woman left, though, Henry/Kramer started whining, "oh, when is she going to get back here?" like watching a blanket is. such. hard. work. It was a long walk back to the car, what with my bursitis, my bunions, and my walker catching on the uneven trail. Grandmother indeed.

Henry: "Ugh, the beach again? Can't we go to Pump it Up?"

Me: "No Henry, I have to get some little pieces of driftwood for an art project I have planned. And when I told you to go outside and get some fresh air, I didn't mean go sit in the shade with your gameboy, now put it away."

Jack: "You're going to STEAL driftwood off the beach? I'm not going with you to break the law. I can't believe you're going to steal driftwood. Nice example you're setting, mom."

Me: "You are too going. I need someone to be a lookout, now get your butts in the car!"

Do you see what I'm dealing with, people? With the exception of Jack's disdain for my thievery, we did have a lovely day, highlighted by seeing a guy on a lawn tractor in his underwear, man boobs a-jiggling.

Car Wash, working at the car wash, yeah.....

Mitch got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday and took the boys fishing. When the girls and I finally got up, we gave ourselves pedicures and went to the Farmer's Market. There was a huge rummage sale in town, so we went to that as well. Olivia found a freaky, very close-up painting of Santa's face that she had to have, Grace found some teeny-tiny muffin tins that were "so, so cute!", and I found the perfect size desk for Jack's room. I had to load it into my van by myself, because I was afraid to ask the frail old Lion's Club guys for help. When we got home, the boys still weren't back from fishing yet, so I hauled the desk up to Jack's room so I could surprise him. I spent an hour rearranging Jack's very heavy furniture to make it all work, while Grace kept reminding me, "Mommy! You said S-H-I-T again!"

The boys came home with 2 dozen fish. That is, they stopped at Walmart on the way home from their fruitless fishing trip and bought goldfish for our pond. Henry was most excited about the very perfect piece of crisp bacon he had at the restaurant where they went out to breakfast. I'm still hearing about that damn crisp bacon.

Mitch and the little ones spent the rest of the afternoon washing the cars. I didn't want to get in their way, so I hauled a lawn chair out to the driveway where I could sit, drink my tea, and help them find spots they missed. I'm good like that. At one point, Henry glared at me and said, "you know, you're not being very respectful of someone who is scrubbing your tires." (Note my pedicure!)